Day Five: Coulda Shoulda Woulda

It is 9:42 p.m., but comically the clock on my computer reads 1:02 a.m. Honestly, it took me a second to realize it’s incorrect. I had meant to write this post at lunchtime, but work had other plans. Actually, I had hoped to post on a proper schedule, writing and publishing in a timely, organized manner.

Ha.

It is literally Day Five, and I am already shaming myself for “getting behind.” Why am I like this? In my first post, I declared that I wanted this to be, and I quote, “No fancy frills, no real structure, just a desire to reset.”

Ha.

But even in shaming myself for shaming myself, I cannot help but applaud myself for at least recognizing my pitfalls. And no, I do not mean the fact that I haven’t lived up to my expectations. I’m talking about seeing beyond the present pressure I put on myself. For so much of my adult life (I didn’t used to be this way, you know…), I sink into bouts of self-loathing that relentlessly feed on my own criticism. It’s a vicious cycle that only I can break myself out of…and I’m usually in way too deep before I realize what torment I’m subjecting myself to.

Change rarely happens in leaps and bounds; usually, it’s small steps in the right (or wrong) direction. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Being kinder to myself doesn’t always come naturally, but I am grateful for this evening…err, night, where I can examine and appreciate the grace I’ve extended to myself…and grow.

1 John 4:7-8 says, “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” Pretty sure this means loving ourselves, too.

Food for thought: In what areas can you cut yourself some slack?